I think I’m starting work on my book this weekend. I’ve got a lot to tell and I know you all want to hear it. Thoughts?

I needed to hear this song when it came on. It’s just so fitting to my mood. I need the focus to figure out my thoughts. I’ve been so busy and constantly around people for over years now. It’s been a long time since I have isolated myself away from the world, maybe it’s time to do that again, just for a day or two. I need to hide away for a while. I can’t express the thoughts on my mind if I can’t find a way to piece them together and put them onto paper. This apartment needs a change and my life could use one too.

Today I made a mixtape for the first time in a long time. No one has deserved one but I finally found someone. Yup. This is pointless but I’m testing my rss feed =p

It amazes me how much is hidden behind the walls we build up around ourselves, I guess it shouldn’t be too much of a surprise to realize that other people hide as much as I do. Maybe it’s not so much “hiding” but at least keeping to yourself, which seems hard to do in a world where you express your every move publicly, trust me, a lot is still hidden. There’s still a demon hiding in the darkest corner of my room, you’d never know by looking at me, but it’s there. I don’t speak of it much, what’s the point if I’ll never talk about it? The mess that’s been building now for years inside my head just gets messier and more confusing as time passes. I think I’d make a great actor because I’m able to hold so much inside and keep so much hidden 6 feet below the surface. My past? You’d never guess. The demons that still haunt me? They’re not what you think. The urges and desires that dwell inside of the confused mess I call my brain may never surface. There’s so much to say, so much to write, so much to share…but it may never be written.

I haven’t written in a while, but it’s back again…welcome to the relapse.

I’m not as naive as you think. I know the things that you say to me can be true for certain people. Everyone wants their shortcut to the top and some may try to use me, it’s flattering for you to admit to me that I am “someone” that is actually “usable,” but I understand that, always have and always will. I pick my friends carefully for a reason, but I obviously still get let down. I pick the girls I want to date carefully for a reason, but I obviously still get let down. You’re so judgmental of my life and my decisions but you can’t even look yourself in the mirror. You judge the people I keep close without any sort of knowledge of who they really are or what they are doing in my life. I guess it’s hard to take the time to actually get to know people when all you want to do is talk about yourself.

Like every other guy I can be an asshole, I have an ego, and I can come across the wrong way, but at the end of the day I can look myself in the mirror and know that who I am is someone to be proud of. I work hard, I don’t do drugs, I cut my drinking down, I don’t slut it up with girls, I don’t play games, I just live my life and I’m brutally honest with everyone that asks.

I’m forming a tight knit group of people proving they belong in my life and aside from them, fuck the bullshit, I don’t need anyone else. Old friends and new, if you wanna be around, prove yourself. I’ve got a lot going on and a lot to offer to the real friends I have.

When it comes down to it, we all only need one person to share our lives with, our hopes, our dreams, our ambitions, our love, and our life. Anyone else that makes it through life with us is an added bonus.

I just wanna say one more thing on this “rant,” as it’s sure to be called…If you want me, I’m here, prove it. I’m not gonna just run into the arms of anyone, ever. Love, trust, relationships…it’s all earned. You’ve got to prove you belong in my life if you want to become my life. I know my self-worth. I’m a great guy, I have an amazing job, I have a big heart, I don’t lie, I don’t cheat, I don’t abuse girls, I have hopes, dreams, and ambitions…I keep it real. Call me fake all you want, it just shows you don’t know me.

As the night comes to an end I can feel you slipping away from me. The bed is cold and empty as I fall asleep alone. Many are dying to keep me warm beneath those sheets but their advances go unanswered. That’s another story for another time. Tonight the bed stays cold and my head stays spinning. It feels as though the world comes crashing down every time you walk out the door. I never know how to read the signals shot across the room. Are they sober well thought words or is it a jumbled mess? It’s hard to not read into what’s said. Can you not see where I am right now? This world is full of people looking for a quick fix, but it’s the quick fix that kills us, slowly. In your eyes I see the promise of something great but I need something tangible to hold on to. Your words make me melt as I imagine them playing out on the silver screen. I want so much to believe that something good can come from the mess my life has become. I’ve been out of control crowding my life with mistakes I can’t take back, but something tells me it all happened for a reason. Is it too soon to say the words, “don’t leave,” as I lay here wondering what’s to come? There’s so much going through my mind but your words somehow put it all to ease. See through the facade I’ve put up to guard myself and just mean what you say to get me through this. It’s not easy letting someone in for either of us, I know that’s gonna be the hard part, if you do I will and the me you first saw will be the me you never see again. The me you see now is the me that will stick around. There’s no more getting caught up in the moment and throwing away chances. You worried that I was already gone, so keep me close.

Girl, you’ll be missing me when the world stops waiting for you, time has passed on, and you realize that I am gone now. Life is too short for the back and forth games everyone likes to play. Say what you mean and mean what you say. It’s time to move forward without looking back, but who is it that’s moving forward? The sun has risen and set way too many times since the last time I felt something real. The ones that come and go mean nothing when the guilt sets in and the sun rises. It’s a game I’m tired of playing but a game you keep me running back too. The confusion kills me and the alcohol propels me. I’d change my life for something that works but until that day all I have is what you see. I’m a mess and a wreck but I have no regrets. It’s clear to me that I’m something worth fighting for and something hard to obtain. If you’ve got my attention then I’ve got the time and you’ve got to make your moves. Make your move if you mean what you say.

Creatures of routine: unite and understand. Are we moving forward or just continuing the normal cycle. Too scared to stay and too scared to run. Robots lack emotion, sometimes I wish I was one. I find it harder every day to choose what’s right. It’s like comparing sunrise to sunset. Where do we go from here? Can we just sink ourselves deep in a drug endused coma and see who survives? My heart won’t survive this tug of war without medicated relief. My bed is either foreign territory or a welcoming home, which do I prefer? I could be as hypocritical and Cliche’ as the next guy but what’s the fun in following the format. The truth is, there’s no right answer. Only time can solve this mystery that keeps my head pounding, my heart breaking, and my sleep nonexistent. I’m the poster child for a nervous breakdown. I want the beaches and the sun but I love the city. Where do I go and what will define me? What’s my legacy and more importantly, where the fuck is my heart? I don’t want any more tears shed in this battle. If I’m worth it then someone will show it. I want to be more than a footnote in someones life, I want to be a main character. Fix yourself then worry about me.

Someone tell me the answer, I’m so scared to make the wrong decision.

One thing I never understand is fear of relationships. I understand people have been hurt and I understand shit happens, but if no one ever takes a chance on something that feels right, it goes away and they end up wasting their time on the wrong person because they missed out on the right one. I don’t get how two people can hangout, smile, have amazing times, but we scared of it working or not…it’s obviously working…I dunno. I guess people don’t have enough common sense inside of them to realize what’s right in front of them. I’ll continue watching the girls I start to like slowly back off and end up with the wrong guy. I guess in the end I’ll have the last laugh because I won’t settle for anything less than perfection when it comes to my future, it’s just disappointing.

If you never take chances you’ll never get anywhere.

My life has been a non stop rollercoaster ride since January. A lot of things have changed in my life. So much was certain and planned out and is now gone. Wether it was for better or worse, I can’t honestly say yet, but for the first time in my life I know I have nothing holding me back. I’m putting my heart into my work and everything I do. I am trying to get to a new level that seems to be coming quickly. I have worked two weeks straight and I think I may be taking my first day off tomorrow, but I guess we will see.

Life…it’s a funny thing. I have finally fallen into a routine…so unlike me to do that. I know where I will be every day…my office. I know on Monday nights I will play soccer. I know Tuesday night you can most likely find me at Wish. I know Wednesday I’ll probably be at Zen. I have no clue what the rest of the days hold, but I’m ready to mix it up. I need someone, I really do. The only thing that ever keeps my head on straight is having another half.

Finding someone that actually feels like “the other half” of me isn’t easy and wont come quickly. My standards are high, my expectations in the clouds, and I’m actually being picky and patient so I guess we will see how things go. I have met some really awesome girls in the last few months but nothing has surfaced. I guess I’m not ready to face the demons that someone keeps inside of me still. The knowledge of who you’re going home with tonight still kills me inside. Those phone calls and those words echo in my head right now, but I know it will never mean what I did, so I guess it’s safe to say I’m stronger and better off.

It’s easy to run and it’s easy to hide, but the strength it takes to stand tall and fight through everything to make your life better than it has ever been is something to be proud of. To move forward and stop looking back takes patience and skill. I know I’ll survive and I know I’ll get everything I need in the end, but it sucks waiting for it all to happen. I’ve given up my entire life chasing dreams while the haters try to bring me down, but mark my words, I will survive and I will get through everything.

Tomorrow is always another day and I’m ready to accept the challenges that come with a new day.

If her eyes and her smile can give me hope to move forward, then I know things are changing for the best.